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I, too, looked at the screen and paused. No answers came to me and I breathed to let it go. It didn’t leave. The doubt didn’t run away; the instigations didn’t vanish. The reality of not even wanting to converse held my grip frozen around the vibrating, ringing, trap that sounded, stopped and sounded again. You know I heard it. You know I just did nothing. I know you were full of words to change my mind.
Now where does this go from this point? Who breaks down? Who is the better person? Just let it go for the moment seems an ominous forecast. Randomly, flutter takes flight again in the deepest part of darkness within my deliberation. Belief is so powerful it can heal the sick or break the heart of someone before they even recognize the self-inflicted trap. I really don’t know and if I ask, I risk actually knowing the truth. Worse, I risk creating a new truth that is ugly and divisive.
It seems so stupid to believe that unknown motives could be pure, that there could be real reasons for the disconnect, that the perception is not what it may seem. A part of me wants to believe that someone could really be interested in this soul and be intrigued to search it out to know it. The discordant reality does not seem to want to let that be the case.
If I always share the truth, why does it become the punishment of my future when it was meant to free me? Why does sharing the essence of my being and soul then turn the elements to shove the opposite directly back at me? Soul-searching has become the biggest enemy against my own well-being. Chastising and retribution turn what should be a genial process of self-examination and enhancement into beat down modality.
There has to be some source to unplug, disconnect this force that is running over the very willingness of my core to grow, strengthen and shine. I must be a force that shines. I must BE part of I am that I am causing to become. It is NOT empty, clueless, helpless, vacant, hollow, meaningless, and aimless. It cannot be futile.
How did a moment in seconds turn me into this void, lowering me to simple mass, an organism of blubbering nothingness? You won’t stay with this presence. It will drive you away as surely as a volcanic eruption of verbal rage. Something has to give evidence of the durability of spirit, or self-induced fear will fulfill its own fearful path.
Just set the phone down & go to sleep. He'll call you again tomorrow.